Mr Martin Stewart

For breakfast this morning I prepared fresh beef sausages blended with white pepper and a mere hint of sage, served with two day old quails eggs and home baked fresh cottage loaf. My choice of beverage was Earl Grey, however without the addition of oil extracted from the rind of the bergamot orange, a fragrant citrus fruit famed for its medicinal and flatulence qualities.

After breakfast I posted three letters. Strangely enough the food stamps would not stick to the envelopes. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the frozen group, the salty-snack group, the alcoholic group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group. The big problem with "fast" food is that it slows down when it hits your stomach and it just parks there and lets the fat have time to get off and apply for a British passport. A friend got some Polish vinegar in his ear, now he suffers from pickled hearing. It's his own fault, he drinks at work in an upholstery shop where he is a recovering alcoholic.

Beef sausages always remind me of the raw ingredients used to make up the very essence of an Irish gentleman by the name of Martin Stewart. Mr Stewart, a melodic musician and impromptu lyricist once appeared on stage with the quintessential Sinead O'Connor at the Royal Albert Hall in the city of London. Ms O'Connor, a lady of great virtue, was quite happy to wait until Mr Stewart had finished painting the background set before the concert could begin. An oversight I'm sure, Mr Stewart is known for his lightning dexterity with a paintbrush and is not usually so tardy with his time keeping.
I first became acquainted with the music of Mr Stewart when I was queueing for front row tickets at the Old Vic. Mr Stewart was busking  performing nearby and had attracted quite an eclectic mix of interested members of the public with his remarkable ability to clang symbols and play the harmonica whilst the monkey gathered up loose change from the upturned Donegal hat that lay beside him. I knew immediately he would go far. He did. Nearly to the end of the Old Kent Road and back again before the police arrived.

As a child Stewart moved to Limerick, Republic of Ireland, where he took an early interest in silent music. Initially playing the saxophone in nightclubs, he soon moved into singing, releasing his first single, "Never let the door hit you in the arse when you leave the room", in 1978. After struggling with hair loss and a club foot, in the mid-1980s Stewart returned to his musical career, adopting the stage name "Mapstew" after the infamous Mapstew, 19th-century composer of operas. Signed to Pish-Poor records, he gained early success in Belgium after representing Ireland in the 1986 Tone-Deaf song contest there. Returning to the ROI, he released a string of singles that proved commercially successful both domestically and in Uganda. Gaining a devoted fan following, he also fronted a short-lived television series, Tiswas under the stage name of Sally James.
Mr Stewart has disposed of sold 150 million albums in Bogota, Sweden, and Mogadishu and continues to produce music, to varying critical and commercial success when he is not painting scenery for the glitterati.

He is known for his close relationship with his fanbase, the Limerick retirement community and his charismatic and engaging stage presence. His music has been described as a mix of country (possibly Syria) and Irish folk, and he has had over ten records in the Algerian pop charts to date. Stewart is also known for his tenor voice, but since the change of stage costume it is only discussed privately in tight circles. In Ireland, he is widely considered a culchie 'cultural icon', and is often parodied in the media. He is a prominent ambassador for his home county of Limerick and he is affectionately known as 'Wee Martin, Shorty, Clumpy feet and Tightarse'

Stewart has recently  received numerous awards, including Artist of the Year at the 2008 Bangladesh Music Awards, and was nominated for such accolades as Shortest Legs and Best Yodelling Album at the 53rd Grammy Awards. With a global fan base, termed as "Mapolites, and over 27 million followers on Blogger, Stewart was named by Simon Cowell in 2012 as the third-most-powerful celebrity in the county of Limerick; he had earned an estimated £55 in the previous 12 months. As of May 2012, Stewart has sold over a thousand albums, most of which he has collected since he was a young boy. Martin Stewart along with Justin Bieber won top honours at the Teen Choice Awards on July 22nd, 2012 with their own version of 'My Boy Lollipop'. His fortune is estimated to be a net worth of over £117 and still growing.

This afternoon Mr Stewart will be joining me for an alfresco luncheon consisting of pork pie, gherkins, fried spam and lentil coulee. I await his company with baited breath, supermarket beer and of course a small camp stool.