Thursday

Marooned & Naked

For breakfast this morning I devoured tea, raisin cinnamon toast and an interesting article about a new documentary soon to be screened on the Discovery Channel. Ed Stafford, an Englishman, is undertaking an unusual and somewhat extreme survival challenge. He'll be washed up naked and alone on a desert island, south east of Fiji, with only his brain, bare hands, and a camera to keep him alive. He'll take no food, water, clothes, knife or tools. He will be completely naked and marooned for sixty days. Okay, I would definitely ditch the camera and substitute it for a case of good malt, that goes without saying, eh? I mean, there are only so many photies of palm trees you can take!

Call me a smidgen crazy here, but the thought of being alone for the best part of a couple of months on a tropical island, making things by hand, fishing and hunting for food using my wits and wandering around naked wearing little more than a couple of coconut husks on my feet by way of slippers, certainly appeals to my adventurous side. How about you? My only luxuries would be a box of matches, Irn Bru and of course my saucepans. So if you do hear about a large man with two months facial hair, found banging expensive copper saucepans together and what appears to be a python hanging from his waist, don't worry, it's either me or Ed Stafford just doing our thing.

Paradise

1 Wild Boar
Small bunch each of wild sage, parsley, rosemary and marjoram
6 Cloves of wild garlic
6 fresh yams
Preheat your open fire to 200c -  gas 6. (put on more tree bark to get it nice and hot)

If you haven't all ready done so during the thirty or so attempts to kill it with a pointy stick, score the rind with a sharp rock or coral, then rub with sea salt, this will help to make excellent crackling. Do not be tempted to trim any fat at this stage, as the meat cooks this will naturally baste the joint keeping it succulent and moist. Place all the herbs and wild garlic into the centre of the coconut roasting dish  then place the meat on top of the herbs. Roast the meat in the centre of the fire for two hours then turn down the heat by peeing on the outer logs. Allow 40 minutes per kg + 40 minutes a little longer for shoulder or hand joints to ensure they are tender. The boars hands, not yours for heavens sake.

Top, tail and peel the yams, cut into ¼`s then 45 minutes before the meat is done, place into a separate conch shell roasting dish, add enough fat from the roast to coat the yam, season and place into the fire with the joints of meat. When the joints are cooked, remove from the roasting shell, put onto a warm stone and cover, then leave to rest. Pour off any fat from the roasting shell, reserving in a pot, this herb infused boar fat is excellent for roasting yams. Make your gravy by incorporating all the herbs and garlic, then strain into a warmed coconut and serve overlooking the ocean. Do be careful not to drop anything into your lap, especially if you are like me, naked.

42 comments:

  1. The Naked Chef? My poor eyes! (Well yer hardly gonna feck off without yer Map friday?!)

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    1. Picture the scene... an unspoiled beach, white sand, palm trees, a gentle waft of wild boar roasting slowly over an open fire, all around the gentle buzz of tranquility and inner peace... And then camera pans left to see a poorly constructed shanty shack made fae bamboo leaves, listing in the wind under the weight of a dozen gaudy showbiz shirts hanging fae a washing line. A wee voice is audible off camers saying.. "Jimmy, i've burnt down the raft and the fishing rods you made earlier and I have fallen into the sewage trench again. Can we go hame yet, eh? eh? eh? Can we, eh?"

      No... on this occasion I'm goinnae give my man Friday the day off.

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    2. I'll just keep these banjo sandwiches fer meself so. :¬)

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    3. The yolk has always been on you wee man.

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    4. Bambot! C'mon, it's time for the Friday pint.

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    5. Be there in an hour, see you at Aubars for the back of 4.

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  2. for me? nekkid would not do. would not do at all. can't have sand in my bits... on the bright side? i'd likely starve, so if i considered it a healthy 30 day fast, it might do me some good.

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    1. Now that surprises me hen, I could just picture you doing an Ursula Andress as you walk slowly out of the surf.

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  3. It would appeal to me, freedom to roam, freedom to do whatever you wanted without being challenged. I would have to take with me a good book and a few rolls of toilet paper and of course I am with you on the Irn Bru, that goes without saying.

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    1. Probably best to take more than a few toilet rolls pal, raw fish can be a problem if you cannae master the art of making a fire.

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  4. Microwave radio chocolate and somewhere to plug in my curling tongs.

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  5. As suspected, Pagan man raises his ugly head and reveals his basic instinct and intentions.

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    1. Wasn't that an aftershave that lingered for a while in the 80's? Funny, I always pictured you with a beard.

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  6. Just seen the new badge and read the disgraceful news on the verdict with the Huns. How can this morally corrupt mob be allowed to remain in a position controlling both the SFA and SPL? Utterly wrong and despicable how this has been allowed to happen. Surely every Scottish football fan regardless of team will be shaking their heads at this decision? How can this be allowed to happen in the 21st century?

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  7. Tony, you are not the only one to be shocked. Take a swatch at this by Fanzone. Says it all really, eh?

    The Stench That Reeks Over Scottish Football…
    By Fanzone.

    Guilty But Let Off!

    Only down Ibrox way was there any hint of celebration yesterday as the Lord Nimmo Smith commission failed in it’s obligation to treat the guilty with a sentence that fitted the crime.

    As many of the Newco supporters were celebrating their ‘victory’ the rest of Scottish football was left scratching it’s head. There has been as saying for many a year that there is one rule for Them and one for the rest of us. And yesterday proved it.

    Although we in the modern world get used to the idea that facts are facts, there is a section of Scottish society who would rather deal with fantasy. And if that doesn’t suit them, bullying and intimidation are the order of the day.

    So what are the facts:

    # Oldco Rangers were liquidated after 140 and no longer exist.

    # The above club self destructed after years of deceit by running tax avoidance schemes

    # For years they paid players from money they withheld from the taxman

    # Collusion from the football authorities allowed them to get away with it, just ask the President

    # A compliant media have put the name of Rangers before the truth, that schools, hospitals and doctors are secondary in their eyes

    # Every other football club in Scotland know they have been cheated

    # The Newco were allowed to play football in the fourth tier without three years accounts, no other club would be afforded the same privilege and last but not least, the hordes that follow the Newco go from town to town causing mayhem, insult and generally social unrest whenever they see fit without recourse.

    While the judiciary, media, Police, football authorities and politicians are all in on the act, what chance do we have?

    None. The stench of corruption that reeks over Scottish football will last a lifetime.

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  8. Have you seen this yet?

    http://videocelts.com/2013/03/blogs/what-will-it-take-for-president-ogilvie-to-walk-away

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    1. Aye, just reading this piece fae Joe O'Rourke.

      We need to get out of this corrupt league we play in.

      Celtic needs to get themselves out of this corrupt football league that we play in, if we don’t, I don’t foresee Celtic FC being able to maintain its high standards, and quality of player next season.

      After today’s announcement by Lord Nimmo Smith, I believe it will see another reduction in the number Celtic supporters who purchase season tickets.

      This is just another kick in the teeth to ordinary everyday supporters, when you can fine a club which no longer exists by way of punishment for cheating, this is just a laughable decision.

      Coming hard on the heels of today’s front page of the Glasgow Herald about Police misuse of their anti-sectarian law powers.
      fears-over-police-misuse-of-anti-sectarian-powers.20366385-utm_source=headlines&utm_medium=email

      This whole investigation has been a sham from day one, both the SPL and the SFA have been hiding under a blanket, maybe they think what they are doing is in the best interests of Scottish Football, I would suggest that supporters of all the clubs with the obvious exception of one will be dismayed by the announcement.

      Oldco have been found guilty of cheating, yet the President of the SFA, who was instrumental in the cheating remains in place in his office at Hampden.
      The Scottish Football Authorities are an embarrassment; they should all hand in their resignation with immediate effect.

      I have decided now that I will not personally attend any more matches at Hampden Park, I believe a lot of football supporters will do like-wise.

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  9. Did you catch the python or were you just blessed by the big man?
    Cheers, Sausage.

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  10. It just sort of grew on me...

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  11. Anonymous6:54 pm GMT+5

    Spare knickers, toothbrush, ladies things, and corned beef.

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    1. What, no lip gloss, mascara or your mother?

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    2. Anonymous8:31 pm GMT+5

      Cheeky!

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    3. Nice to see you back, it's been a while. IP's never lie, eh?

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    4. It would seem that you are as clever as you are tall.

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  12. I'm thinking this is more of a guy fantasy. There are places I don't want sand, after a certain age gravity is not a girl's friend and I don't need any more freckles. But if dropped there against my will, I'd need chocolate and a few good books.

    I'd be glad to send you a message in a bottle though. Because could you actually forsake us for a whole 60 days without some communication? :)

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    1. I'm thinking that with a wee bit of encouragement I could convince you that putting civilisation aside for a while would be beneficial to your soul.

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  13. Ditch the camera and leave me plenty of sunscreen. I'm not wanting my womanly attributes all sun seared and peeling. Not an attractive look at all.

    But ranging naked on a tropical isle and making a go of it Survivor style sounds kind of appealing... for a short time. I'm thinking after the 60 days, the luxury of a nice soft bed, a hot bath and some ice cold Bailey's would be the creme de la creme.

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    1. That's the spirit hen, just imagine the fun in combating the elements and being technology free for 60 days. With my handyman skills and your wit it would be fun.

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  14. Duntocher Brian11:35 pm GMT+5

    If you think the Nimmo report is bad, just wait till you hear who has just taken over the Cleddans.

    The island thing, Bogroll, Powers, Magners ice and Fosters.

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    1. Funnily enough, your boy told me same thing the neet Bri. I'll not put another shilling across the bar again. Oul Charlie will be spinning the neet if he knew.

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  15. Just give me a crate of sunscreen, large floppy hat and a bath sheet and i'm in.
    With my (former) red hair and freckles, i'm far too fair to be subjected to that much sun. (some parts more than others!)
    I WAS a Girl Scout! :D

    Oh, can I add rum to the list?
    I can live on rum; I have before.

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  16. Of course you can have rum, that goes without saying. On slow days we can play pirates, I will rummage through your treasure chest while you walk my plank.

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  17. Ah the SFA and SPL have given us the old dog and pony show, standing around with their chests all puffed out going, look at us, we're the authority and we are handing down this tough decision... of course it's really not worth the paper it's printed on cuz we can't ever collect and it doesn't affect the trophy case but you can't say we didn't do anything...erm even though we didn't do anything... what a load of shite.

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  18. It is time for Celtic and every other self-respecting team in Scotland to hand in a formal notice of resignation after the decision by the Nimmo report. Oldco, Sevco, Newco, whatever label they wish to hang around their necks makes no difference. They are cheats, plain and simple, no if's or buts, cheats! The funny handshakers have brought the ultimate shame to Scotland in the way they have manipulated and cheated their way to a suitable outcome as far as R*ngers are concerned. That is unforgivable. I have withdrawn all financial sponsorship by my own company from the SPL coffers. I will no longer endorse the very people who stabbed every honest fitba supporter in the back. The SPL & SFA are dead to every decent supporter in this wholly sectarian shithole we call Scotland. Here endeth the lesson.

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  19. Trust me honey largs is fast becoming a desert island the way things are going with the economy.

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    1. I keep hearing this about Largs, but I don't see the evidence other than the price of a good cup of coffee has gone up, a few more charity shops have opened and the car park on the way in has lowered its prices. I once shared a blog passion with a certain ice cream parlour in Largs, sadly my fellow blogger got blindsided by a dried up oul haridan intent on poisoning a long standing friendship. I've rarely been back to Largs since.

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    2. Belgian Chocolates anyone?

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    3. A tad dry for my taste, I prefer ex-lax, far easier to stomach.

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  20. That's is. Where do I get the wild boar? Bring it on.

    You have really meandered your way to this spot, haven't you? :-)

    Good to connect with you again.

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    1. For you dear lady, I would serve up the world covered in gravy, and then, for dessert, the moon, smothered in only the freshest of creams.

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.