Thursday

Divining the Divine



For breakfast this morning we enjoyed fresh sage eggs with smoked salmon, purple onion, capers and cream cheese on a date and oat muffin. The beverage was of course a rather smooth African roast bean coffee we found in a charming wee village in Rockingham. It's Siobhan's favourite, but tends to be limited to special occasions or when I find myself in the dog house. Today however, wasn't a special occasion... say no more, eh? At the end of his rather expensive feng shui tour of our home he had finally concluded and was in the process of returning his incense sticks, divining rods, magnetic compasses and wax paper equations back to the rather neat little velvet lined case laying open on my table. As I escorted him through to the hallway I clasped him firmly by the hand and pumped it professionally until I could hear the bones crack in his greedy huckster fingers.

His pain was most probably profuse, but the real damage was done in the cold unsmiling stare I gave him as my eyes informed him that the surname etched upon the name plate at the front entrance to my gates wasn't just similar to the man he had at some point read about in the newspapers. I walked him courteously to his rented Mercedes parked outside on the gravel of my driveway. He hadn't even bothered to remove the tiny giveaway red dot sticker at the top of the windscreen that signified that the true owner of his rather flash chariot was in fact AVIS rather than Confucius. A small detail, but one that was to cost him not only his fee, but also the ability to fasten his tie or button his jacket with such easy dexterity for at least the next couple of months. His neatly written individual invoice was photocopied with just a blank space for his 'most valued client' name to be inserted at the top for his services.

I gifted him with a dozen of my best hens eggs and discreetly whispered into his rather oddly shaped oriental ear that if he ever contacted my wife again in my absence it would most definitely be done by way of a séance. It was a tough choice, but if pushed I would have to say that he evacuated his bowels a hairs breadth ahead of him clearing the two stone pillars that stand either side of my gateway. For a rental car it was surprisingly pokey.
I smiled graciously up at my wife as she gazed down at me through the first floor window. The warmth in her own smile beamed back at me at the way in which her husband had so warmly accepted this latest stranger into our home without quibble. Since her early retirement from her career wearing a black gown and an extremely expensive array of horse hair wigs, she has embarked upon a journey trying to fill the time enriched void which had appeared suddenly upon her horizon.

A feast of amateur theatre liaisons with the local women's guild had failed to satisfy her need for direction. Too young and far too sensible for arranging Gods flowers in the village church had seen the weekly pastime go to her older, rather tweedy, acquaintance of Mrs McFadden from her chosen charity group. Well, Siobhan calls it her charity group, me, let's just say that the witches of Eastwick are still alive and relocated to the west coast of Scotland in my own humble opinion. Charity begins at home with the distribution of love and maternal instincts to those who need a helping hand in life. Not saving spotted leopards in fly ridden jungles half way around the globe so that some Nigerian prince can wear real animal skinned shoes upon his dirty feet as he spends the hard-conned cash from vulnerable people in Europe. My biggest problem? I voice my opinions sometimes when it would be wiser just to think!

Top tips when dealing with the dark side that is known as faux feng shui, make sure your house has a toilet. This can be placed wherever the feng shui approved plumber says is best. If you're lucky you may already find one in the smaller room of your house. This is good for Chi in the lower intestine and colon. In China they squat over a hole in the dirt, but that's for enlightened people only. Best start slow eh? Tip number two, a bed is good for sleeping in. Chi is strongest in the midnight hours so a bed is essential! A bed can also be used for reading, intimate relations and arguing with your spouse in.  Interestingly enough, feng shui in Scottish Gaelic actually translates to: Put your wife's unused hobby crap in the garage. We start the clear out tomorrow after breakfast, shortly before the little singing fella will call me and tell me that my presence is required and that I must leave immediately. If all goes well, Siobhan should be finished in time to cook my dinner...

Chefs Apology Breakfast

4 large brown hens eggs
4 large brown hens egg whites
1 pinch of ground black pepper
4 scallions, tops only, thinly sliced
1 purple onion
Capers
Fresh sage
Sage
Philly cheese in a tub
2 thick slices of breaded ham
2 ounces quality thinly sliced Scottish smoked salmon (please... not the cheap supermarket stuff, it is not authentic. Ask for salmon taken from the waters of Loch Fyne, no where else.)

             
Combine eggs, egg whites and pepper in a small bowl. Stir briskly with a fork until well blended.  Heat oil in a non stick skillet over medium-low heat. Add scallions and cook, stirring, until softened, about 30 seconds. Pour the eggs into the pan and cook until they just begin to set, about 10 seconds; stir in salmon. Cook, stirring gently from time to time, until the eggs have thickened into soft, creamy curds, 3 to 5 minutes. Serve immediately onto oven warmed date and oat muffins with crisp, cool purple onion, a slice of ham and a splosh of Philly cheese.

32 comments:

  1. Ouch! Your reputation for 'handshaking stupid folk' goes before you from what I hear.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pub gossip son, never listen to rumours eh?

      Delete
    2. Lol bit more than rumours if our distillery acquaintance is to be believed.

      Delete
    3. Then he too should know better than to gossip. Do tell him I said so.

      Delete
  2. But as for the cowardly, the faithless, the detestable, as for murderers, the sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all demons who walk the earth in human guise, their portion will be in the lake that burns with fire and sulfur, which is the second death.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Take the stick out of your arse Mr Pew. Atheism and religion are but two sides of the same coin. One prefers to use its head, while the other relies on tales, eh?

      Delete
  3. i may need to borrow you. there are some people i'd like to introduce you to...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For you there would be no monetary fee... However, I would need recompense of some description. Can you think of anything that would satisfy my requirements?

      Delete
    2. i believe i already owe you. over, and over, and over again... happy to continue negotiations.

      Delete
    3. You know full well that I am well versed in collecting payments outstanding. Best leave the hall light on...

      Delete
  4. If one gives up a dynamic career to spend more time with one's beloved it does not behove the beloved to go waltzing off with the little singing fellah at the drop of a hat.
    So I'm thinking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That hat gets dropped quite a lot Pat.

      Delete
    2. You are absolutely correct Pat. I would not want to ruffle the feathers of my other half. Let's keep this between us hen, eh?

      Besides... it's too late anyway, my now cooked dinner will soon be put out for me to enjoy. Steak too, a definite favourite.

      Delete
    3. See you wee man, away with your mixing before you turn into a saint so.

      Delete
    4. Oh,'tis a saint I am now is it? :)

      Delete
    5. Tis a saint I am looking for to pay rent on a certain chapel that is soon to be standing empty. The clock is ticking down...

      Delete
    6. And that ticking puts a sadness on my face my friend. The place shall not be the same without ye. What's a wee fella to do without his big pal to lift him onto the high stool of a Friday and open the bag of Tayto's for him. If only he could learn a few words of Spanish... maybe... a pal could find a few wee jobs.... :(

      Delete
    7. Look at it another way. No longer will you be clipping coupons out of red rag top newspapers just to get a mid April break in a rundown caravan park somewhere in Lincolnshire, trying to justify the frozen fish supper that just cost you a tenner when really it tasted like three quid. No more long faces when you check out the damp on the caravan shower wall. Best of all, no more taking a shite in a bucket in a cupboard and having it still lingering four hours later. From here on in you will experience the good life that we both slaved hard to acquire. Remember that wee song about two little boys who had two little toys? Aye, a dreadful twee ditty agreed, but the principle remains the same.

      Delete
    8. That's one big horse you got pal! :¬)

      Delete
    9. (That was me on the wee one's laptop!)

      Delete
    10. It's not going to make you that much taller, have you tried standing on four house bricks instead?

      Delete
  5. You must have been eavesdropping on the conversation between meself & PTP the neet!

    (And just for a wee change of scenery we tried a different pub, and a different beer. Good as a rest they say, and it was.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And did you get that wee problem sorted out with your other pal? Or, putting it another way, have you scuffed the leather of your boot on the seat of his trews?

      Delete
  6. Sigh. Given that speech, I guess ol' pewfodder isn't on the "Recruiting Team". Yet another example as to why I keep my faith between God and myself...leaving you and I to have interesting conversations, minus innuendo and smarmy overtones. Thank you for having the good sense to know respect is a two way street.

    Sorry. Off the soapbox. Today was the start of "Senior Fitness Games", which means at work, our senior citizens are having their version of the Olympics, without the "athletic" part. :) I was in charge of Shuffleboard, which I'm growing to detest. How many times can you smile while giving the speech, "No Ma'am. You don't slam the puck with the stick. Pretend it's a mop and just push." They broke 3 sticks today because I'm too young to know what I'm talking about...even though this was my 20th year doing this activity. ;)

    Could've used you manning the grill for lunch...whatever it was suppose to be, I passed. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah dear Hope, our man Pewfodder is a born again pessimist. He firmly believes in saving his heaven for the God-friendly brigade and not the likes of myself. He isn't all bad, in fact if it wasn't for his room temperature IQ he would be quite likeable in a topsy turvy sort of way.

      A tip for your shuffleboard pals would be to start the day of with bathtub gin. Their skills with the puck will be greatly reduced, but they will at least be happy, if not asleep by lunchtime.

      As for your dinner, I've saved you a plate, it's under the grill keeping warm. Don't be long hen, we have some wine tasting to do this very night.

      Delete
  7. it's pain perdue around here when himself makes a blunder...and simple bacon and eggs when it's me who's done wrong.
    xoxoxox

    ReplyDelete
  8. Savvy, pain perdue is delicious at any time, but have you tried it with brandy splashed lightly on the top?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Feng shui .... PFFT!
    More African roast bean coffee for the morning then dear Chef?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll get an extra cup ready!

      Delete
  10. The bread looks dry to me.

    ReplyDelete
  11. The crunch of the toast compliments the soft gooey goodness of the egg and the creaminess of the cheese. A bit like your part of the city where the burned out cars give a softer edge to the rubbish strewn streets and stab victims hen.

    ReplyDelete

Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.