Sunday

Mayan Over Matter

For breakfast this morning we munched on wheat toast spread thickly with raw honey straight from the hive. Tiny pools of Scottish butter bubbled to the surface as I passed a hot flame across the honey glaze. Black coffee, bitter and dark as only real coffee can be, complimented the definitive flavours that tangoed upon our tongues. Together, as a family, we devoured the morning papers for more news of the impending doom that awaits us next week. Just like all rational people living in the 21st century, my own personal religion stems from an interpretation of a single set of tablets discovered in the 1960s at the archaeological site of Tortuguero in the Mexican state of Tabasco. I would be foolish to ignore the warnings by leading Epigraphists who say the prophecy foretells the beginning of a new era, The world as we know it... is doomed. Before the cock has crowed three times we shall join the rag-tag brigade of intelligent human beings scurrying to the uppermost peak of  Pic de Bugarach where we will be greeted by Bono, Sarah Palin and no doubt Elvis Presley, as we await salvation by way of an alien space craft. I hope they serve lunch.

I might not go. I still have a side door to hang on the garage, not to mention the bottles of red wine vinegar that I am supposed to be preparing on Friday for Missus O'Flaherty at number 63. She doesn't get out much, not with her varicose veins and this cold weather an all. Besides, who would feed the llamas, collect the eggs from my chickens and milk the goats in my absence? Not bloody Bono, that's for sure. Perhaps I'll just give this decades doomsday prediction a miss. Maybe join the bandwagon on the next one. Isn't the next worlds end due in a phone box somewhere in California at the hand of Colin Farrell and a plague of sniper trained locusts or something? It might be my tired oul eyes, but I could swear that the new postman is Samuel L Jackson and in his sack he is delivering hundreds of snakes. I'm starting to lose track, too much Fox News and egg nog seems to have scrambled my memory. I must also give the more stronger of Gorgonzola cheese a miss at bedtime, the dreams are becoming more lucid with every bite of the cracker.

Just in case the Mayans do get it right and after receiving a synchronising ray coming from the epicentre of the galaxy, a ray that will originate a gigantic radiant flaming that will bring the destruction of the planet through cataclysm to a fiery burning end, I have to get this secret off my chest. I am responsible for the disappearance of Jimmy Hoffa, his body is entombed within the concrete column at Giants Stadium. I also shot JR, but that was just for fun. I also kidnapped Shergar, he lives on in my barn, we ride him every Sunday, the grand weans love him. I also have a secret wee twin brother who goes by the name of Map. We were separated at birth after my da threw him in the river tied up in a sack (obvious reasons) and sure enough, a movie was based on our life story. The actors of course being Danny De Vito and Arnold Muscledlump. I am sure you can figure out exactly who played who! However, for those of you not planning on making the trip to Bugarach next week, I thought I might occupy your time with a winter warmer to put a smile back on your face. Enjoy.

Apocalypse Pie


675g (1 1/2 lb) diced braising steak

sea salt and freshly ground pepper

2 heaped teaspoons of plain flour

olive oil (good stuff please)

1 red onion, peeled and diced

1 carrot, peeled and diced

4 sticks of celery, diced

1 small handful of fresh herbs (rosemary, thyme, bay leaf)

1 (500ml) bottle of Guinness

4 chopped tomatoes

1 (500g) packet of puff pastry (if you are a heathen or just plain lazy)

1 free range egg, beaten
 
 


Season your beef well with the salt and pepper to taste, sprinkle with flour and toss around until coated. I use a plastic bag, it works better than anything else.


60 comments:

  1. I've always that Mr Maps was a dead ringer for Arnie...
    Sx

    Oul Ginger!!!!

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    Replies
    1. Indeed he does. Auld, wrinkled and speaks with a strange accent that nobody can ever quite put their finger on.

      Well said... Red.

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    2. I've always looked up to you.

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    3. That's good to hear. I'm glad I pulled the sack fae the river all those years since.

      Although I was disapointed you wasnae a puppy.

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    4. Got the 'puppy-dog' eyes though.

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    5. Aye, you still shite on the carpet too...

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    6. And still ya hug & love me!

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    7. Aye, but be careful I dinnae take you out for a long walk and come back with only the lead and collar (bloodstained)

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  2. I'm convinced the Mayans got tired of doing the math and took a break to go find their own Chef. :)

    Now you've gone and made me hungry. Again. And I'm suppose to be making Cinnamon Pecans for the holidays. Now I'll need to eat first so there'll be pecans to give as gifts.

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    1. The Mayans now solely rely on chewing and spitting tree bark into small paper sachets and retailing them as salt and pepper condiments for the McDonalds corporation.

      Always time for pecans and pies, hen.

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  3. How can you get get eggs from an llamas?!?

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    1. I've no idea Tina, the same way as you can see a fish drinking water I guess.

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    2. Do fish actually drink water

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    3. Aye, but only when they cannae get Irn Bru.

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    4. funny guy not

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  4. Interpretations of the Christian Bible reveal that the date for Armageddon, the final battle between Good an Evil, has been set down for 2012. The I Ching, also known as the Chinese book of Changes, says the same thing, as do various sections of the Hindu teachings. God will make the ultimate decision, it is out of hands.

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  5. I believe that a comparative study of all such prophecies vis-à-vis those of Nostradamus along with the Mayan philosophy all point to one thing. Speculation. If a God existed who could decide when to pull the plug I am sure he would have wiped out Nigeria, Belgium and Govan by now. Even if the world ends tomorrow there is not a lot we as a race can do about it, eh?

    Sit back, have another big swally and just watch the show. No bother.

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    1. Actually I disagree strongly. If we as a race had come together in the beginning, placed trust in our God and listened to his teachings we may have been in a better position to where we are now.

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  6. Hold on a minute here hen, the calamities that are alleged to end the world are surely to do with natural large scale earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes and plague, not forgetting good oul famine and obligatory infestation of rogue insects. If the magnetic poles at each end of the earth are pulling apart then that would point to an erosion of nature, science collapsing in upon itself, no religious tomfoolery as you seem to indicate. If I had been a better person in my youth would that have stopped the polar ice caps melting? Of course you are well within your rights to disagree with my opinion, but you cannae disagree with scientific fact and reason.

    I work on the basis that I can base my findings on what I see and understand. Not by pinning my hopes on an invisible force that has yet to manifest itself or provide proof of its own being. Over to you.

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  7. To me, Jesus says my body is real food and my blood is real drink. I do not see any other way to take it, but you seem to take it another way. Science is not everything. We must look beyond it and seek the teachings of the bible before it is too late.

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    1. When they pumped this stuff into me as I child, I didn't know what a metaphor was. I thought that all those people in the pews were, literally, eating flesh and drinking blood. I thought priests were cannibals and vampires. Turns out it's not too far removed from the truth, it is?

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    2. That my dear is called Cannibalism... as for the calendar, well, ever notice how they all run on different schemes, you know will the Chinese be spared do to the fact they run on different time? you differnt new year and all, what about those of certain Orthodox religions? you see one man's doomsday is another man's Tuesday, besides if you count all the leap years you'll be missing the date by days or weeks, did the Mayans account for that? don't see how they could since "leap year" came well after their demise, that said if the spaceship shows up and removes all the true believers i do believe the world might be a better place, sure would solve alot of problems if all those waging war and bigotry to prove their "book" was right got shipped off to Uranus, leave the sensible ones behind to clean up the mess and live happy lives... sometimes it's good to be a heathen.

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    3. Pew, I believe the 2 replies above by my regular commenters speak for themselves.

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  8. Pew, real food is the steak pie above, full of real goodness and sustenance. Meat you can get your teeth into, gravy to enliven your taste buds and warm your belly on a cauld neet. Blood is no a drink hen, it is a lubricant which keeps us as human beings alive. Science is everything, the be all and end all of the world as we understand it. What happened before the ice age is still unclear, but what is clear is evolution. I'm no knocking your beliefs, whatever works for you just doesn't really work for me. I prefer to stand on my feet and think, no fall to my knees and pray. I'm the kind of person who faces problems head on rather than pin my hopes that a hidden force will fight my battles for me. The oul ostrich head in the sand routine is no my thing. I have seen the light... don't forget, I was raised catholic, but chose to follow facts.

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  9. The Book of Revelation also points out that we can avoid Armageddon if we change our approach to life. Which includes using the phrase "Judge not". Seems like that puts the ball back in our court.

    Chef, have I shared the recipe for Cinnamon Pecans yet? Simple, yet divinely delicious.

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    1. Cinnamon pecans? Bring it on sweetcheeks, I can hardly wait!

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  10. damn, and here i am going the easy route tonight and just having pizza! *sigh* xoxoxoxo

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    1. You and me both Savvy, I'm all in for a Mexican meat feast as we speak.

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  11. Now don't get huffy but that is a recipe I could have written myself. My kind of cuisine. I'll just go back and check there isn't something I've missed.
    No it is really excellent. I would tend to exclude the flour and pastry but I think, in this instance the whole is worthy of the odd pound of flab. I know my boys will love it:)

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    1. Hahaha.. ahhh Pat, you provocative wee bisom, you do like to poke me with a stick on occasion, eh?

      Of course it's a simple recipe hen, let's remember here that I am no a real chef. I am just a kitchen dabbler that experiments with food and passes on the success that I have had with various recipes. You should see the ones that do not make the grade!

      Huffy... only you could get away with that, lol.

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  12. Here's my prediction for the apocalypse: I'll board my bus in the morning, sit at my desk and watch the cursor dance around my monitor for eight hours, get back on my bus, tuck my daughters in and hug them good-night, kiss my bride and go to sleep with a content smile on my face.

    Related to Map? Do you get combat pay for that?

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    1. Good choice UB. I also shall change very little about my daily routine, apart fae maybe I might just take a wee moment to laugh at the gullible eejits scanning the skies for the space ship that will never arrive.

      Map is like the eleventh brother I wanted to smother at birth. The runt of the litter, the wee puppy with doe eyes and all the charm of a drunken wood louse. Yet, over the years he has grown on me. I have become accustomed to the wee yappy dog at my heels. I wouldn't be without him now for all the tea in China.

      ... and if you believe that!

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    2. Aw! Pint? I think it's your shout!

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    3. Pint is it? I'm thinking more a bottle of gold between the 3 of us. Me, you and the divil on my shoulder who keeps whispering at me to return to the oul ways with the terrible drinking ways so.

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    4. Sounds like a plan. :¬)

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    5. See you at Jintys at 6 sharp the neet.

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    6. Oh aye? Did you happen to see big Alec on the way in, only he was supposed to be here 10 minutes ago. His pints going flat on the bar.

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  13. damn, when is the world supposed to end again? (insert list of preferred profanities because i'm saying my favorites out loud now) i have plane tickets for a few different places and they aren't refundable!! ;~) xoxoxoxo

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    1. I wouldn't worry too much hen, according to my calculations we still have a couple of hundred billion years before we have to be concerned.

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  14. You are most annoying when you do not make public all of the comments I leave. You are a good catholic yet you continue to be insidious with your denial of God. We are both one with God, you just choose not to admit it in public.

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    1. Pew, even worse, I don't always read them all either. It is neither here nor there if I am good, bad or insidious.

      You need to realise that science is out there...

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  15. reading your first paragraph, i began to drool... the glorious description of decadent indulgence! the juices in my belly stirred, and i hungered... lusted, even...

    for buttered toast and honey?

    yeah. you gots a way with the words, fella...

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    1. ....wait till you see exactly what pleasures I can bring with my dollops of cream!

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    2. getting me whipped into a frenzy!

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    3. ...oh you bad... bad girl.

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  16. Pewfodder... for the sake of peace, unless your comments become more rational I shall continue to bin them. There is no need to continually bombard me with catholic rhetoric on the hour every hour.

    Let us re-examine my post. The Mayans have predicted that the world will end in December, correct?

    Well, see me? I'm not falling for that again hen.

    I've only just finished eating all the baked beans I hoarded for the Millennium Bug.

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  17. The Mayans were Catholic?!
    (lol)

    I will be picking up my sweet boys, watching Christmas specials and cooking a nice meal for the End of the World.
    Any suggestions dear Chef?

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  18. Hmmm... tricky question hen. I must admit that cometh the end I shall be rather busy despatching a few oul colleagues personally (for old time sake - my memory is long) so inbetween reloading my trusty sawn-off and fornicating like a Duracell bunny, I doubt I would have much time left to prepare a feast.

    I would probably send out for the following, considering it would be classed as my final meal.

    A fresh brown rice salad with jalapenos and goats cheese, followed by 6 pieces of the colonels finest breasts of chicken sprinkled lightly with sea salt and mayo. To accompany the chicken I would like a helping of fluffy mashed murphy with a hint of garlic and two outsiders of pumpkin seed bread. A choice of sides would be black pud and monkfish, two plump sliced French tommies and a fistful of black stuffed olives. To soothe the passage of such a vast array of high fat food I would naturally plump for twelve or so pints of cold lager, most probably Heineken. To finish off I would leave room for a slice of Spanish watermelon and spit the seeds discreetly into a napkin.

    With the murdering, fornicating and feasting finished, I would then proceed to make my way to the hallowed turf of Celtic fitba club where I would gaze proudly at my fellow Glaswegian pals as we waitied for the Mayan death ray to open the door to hell.

    It'll be home sweet home...

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    1. To break 1 commandment is a sin. To break 2 of the Lords commandments is to burn in hell. Are you happy in life?

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    2. ...apart fae coverting my neigbours maid, manservant and mule, I'm pretty much guilty as charged.

      Am I happy in life? The fella smiling back at me in the mirror every morning certainly thinks so. Handsome looking divil so...

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    3. You keep a photie of me on the mirror?

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    4. BTW (@pew) I've yet to come across the '2 strikes and yer out' clause in the ten commandments. And, if one breaks just the one commandment many times, rather than breaking another, different commandment to the said broken commandment, is that still just a sin and not as you say, a sentence to 'burn in hell'?

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    5. Christ is the model of chastity. Every baptized person is called to lead a chaste life, each according to his particular state of life.

      Chastity means the integration of sexuality within the person. It includes an apprenticeship in self-mastery.

      Among the sins gravely contrary to chastity are masturbation, fornication, pornography, and homosexual practices.

      The covenant which spouses have freely entered into entails faithful love. It imposes on them the obligation to keep their marriage indissoluble.

      So yes.

      2398 Fecundity is a good, a gift and an end of marriage. By giving life, spouses participate in God's fatherhood.

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    6. 10/10 for your copy & paste skills.

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    7. Map, the art of clapping a wee troll is no getting annoyed at its failings, but to gently pull its wings off. Softly softly catchee monkey, eh?

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    8. Aye is right, in Chef we trust.

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  19. Don't think the Mayan death ray stands much chance against Celtic on current form.

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    1. Fly, It's a great time to be a Celtic fan right now.

      C'mon the Hoops!

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.