Monday

Table For Three

For breakfast this morning I had some explaining to do. She took it all in, but I could see by her eyes that she would probably continue to give me the silent routine for the rest of the day. My past has a habit of revisiting me in the most unlikely of places. I should have known by the insecure little steps he took as he approached our table clutching the chilled bottle of wine so firmly by the neck in his proferred soggy palm. Our eyes met in a mid-mouthful moment of recognition. Siobhan had just asked my opinion on which movie had the worst of endings. He stammered a nonsensical greeting of stuttering fluffiness. I had once adjusted his kneecap and three of his toes over an unpaid debt and then given his wife the money for a taxi to Gartnavel hospital. I have always been one for the manners. He had invented a gimmicky device which had been sold via door to door catalogues. The kind you came home to find laying wet and soggy within their unsealed clear plastic wrapping beside your door. The kind you left, unopened. He was now broke, balding, divorced and living with his mother in a small house on one of the cities moderate housing schemes.

I could see Siobhan was trying very hard not to stare at the way in which his brown toupée didn't quite meet what was left of his oyster grey thatch. I admired the way she lip-synced her way perfectly through the full fifteen minutes of his success story monologue while remaining agog at his field of carefully coiffured hair. I'm always wary of be-wigged strangers you haven't seen in twenty years pouring out their hearts as you politely endeavour to carry on eating your Wiener Schnitzel. It took him a while, but eventually he trotted out the obligatory faux pas for the inconvenience he had caused me back in the day. The silence was nearly as loud as the original scream when I had altered his shoe size and trouser length forever. I took my final look around at the elegant decor of my favourite restaurant as I decided the size of the tip. I would miss the fayre, I would miss the ambiance, but most of all I would miss the taste of those delicious veal cutlets I had grown so fond of. I left him a twenty. As I helped Siobhan on with her coat I couldn't help but think that the answer to the movie question may have been 'Kismet'.

Wiener Schnitzel

8 slices brown bread
small cup of mixed flour
2 large fresh free range eggs
2 tbsp full fat milk
sea salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 veal cutlets (scaloppini) patted dry and flattened evenly
55g of unsalted Scottish butter
lemon wedges

In a food processor, pulse the bread into fine crumbs. Put them into a shallow bowl, covered. Put the flour into a shallow bowl or a lipped plate. Break the eggs into another bowl and whisk with the milk, season with salt and pepper to taste.

To bread the cutlets:

Dredge a cutlet in the flour, shaking off the excess, then dip it into the eggs and coat evenly with the breadcrumbs. Set aside on a piece of waxed paper or baking sheet. Continue with the remaining cutlets. Heat the butter in a non stick skillet over a medium heat. Pour yourself a large glass of chilled white wine. You deserve it for getting this far without making any mistakes.(I saw you drop a wee bit of shell into the bowl. Fish it out and I'll pretend I never saw it)

While the butter is still foaming add the breaded cutlets and cook, swirling the skillet in a tight circle until golden brown and cooked all the way through. I usually do 2 minutes for the first side. Turn the meat using wooden tongs and cook for 1 minute to crisp the breading. Transfer the cutlets onto plates, sprinkle with the lemon wedges and serve with fluffy mash and minted peas. Alternatively, serve with potato salad, chunky bread and fresh rocket. Enjoy.

77 comments:

  1. The past eh?

    I misread the start of the last paragraph as 'While the butler is still foaming....' :¬)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Aye, the past wherever possible, hence the protection for ones friends.

    My butler is definitely foaming, especially since I told him he is on loan to you over Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks my friend, I could do with some help (says he!), I'm worn out from all the Seniors Tea-dances! :¬)

      Delete
    2. Perhaps you should quit the pole dancing and go back to singing for a living. Besides, the auld wans are getting fed up with you always winning the bingo and the meat raffle.

      Delete
    3. Aye, my back ain't what it used to be, and the front isn't much better! :¬)

      Delete
    4. You and me both son. I'm so ugly I scare masel!

      Delete
    5. Pint so, we'll have the place to ourselves by the look of us!

      Delete
    6. Perhaps that's why we only have the two stools in our private wee bar?

      Delete
    7. Aye, the Divil can stand!

      Delete
    8. And stand he does, in judgement upon our terrible souls.

      Delete
    9. Fuckim! Ma soul is happy, and yeers pal. :¬)

      Delete
    10. Aye, ahm happy the neet.

      Delete
  3. i had to read this twice! i think i need a wee nap before the evening ride to the airport to pick up the MITM! *note to self: never have a double scotch in the afternoon*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Correction hen, never have just the one double scotch in the afternoon...

      Delete
  4. Bit of rough are we?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing that a good bath and a rub down with sandpaper won't cure.

      Delete
  5. http://uk.news.yahoo.com/weetos-apologises-big-baws-box-blunder-142153316.html :¬)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For breakfast this morning... I had!!!

      Delete
  6. Your weiner sounds simply divine!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It tastes as good as it sounds too.

      Delete
  7. Hitler, Khrushchev, Hussein, Khan, they all sickened me with their way of life. It looks to me like every hundred years a bad seed is born. Not every sin is forgiven. Not every sinner is forgiven. Find peace. I urge you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first of your comments were purely religious nonsense, the ramblings of a fool. This one I published because of the interest factor. Let us dissect it shall we?

      Hitler. You compare the murderer of millions to me because of a few broken bones? Hardly computes when you look at it logically, eh?

      Khrushchev... this one also had me stumped. He was a war hero, a friend to JFK, enemy of Mao, a political giant and lived a long and fruitful life. The comparison to me is we aren't keen on Chinese food?

      Hussein. I think you added this name because your knowledge of baddies is limited to the TV in the day room. I'll let this one pass.

      Khan. I'm assuming Ghengis Khan. We both rode horses, liked leather coats and stood up to our enemies without exception. Ok, I'm gonnae give you that one.

      As for finding peace? Thanks, I shall have a wee sit down after I have finished relaying the patio later today.

      Delete
    2. How does it feel to break the Lords law?

      Delete
    3. Ask my wife, she's the barrister. I'll probably get off with good behaviour.

      Delete
    4. Man, can a fella live that long? She's a good lass tho! Give her a wee kiss from the small fella yeah? ya dinnae deserve a wan so good. :¬)

      Delete
  8. Cab fare for the Missus? I had you pegged for a sentimental fool long ago. Such a heart. Was the 20 an act of charity or to assuage some remorseful feelings?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UB, It was bad enough that she had to be married to such an eejit. Believe me, if I had written down everything that Wiggy had put her through it would have taken me a month. I had no problem with the women folk of my past, indeed I looked after many of them in different ways. Business was just that, business. It was never personal.

      As for the 20, again, the original service was excellent, it was just the individual that ruined the evening.

      Delete
  9. Speechless. Because the You of Then is so foreign to me compared to the You of Now. :)

    I truly don't understand why Pewfodder keeps taunting you. Many of your stories remind me of parables in the Bible: in the frame of "If you do this....then the following will happen." I don't understand how pewfodder can claim to be a Christian while throwing so many stones. For the record, I was raised in a religious household and my belief is mine. I just don't shove it down other people's throats if they disagree.

    Sorry. Stepping off the soapbox....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I make no bones or apologies about my youth. The Glasgow of auld was a harsh environment to be both Irish and poor. My parents raised thirteen childer amidst a backdrop of violence and poverty the best they could. I'm now a lot older and wiser, the past cannot be erased, but can be made better for my own brood. I will never be an angel, but I always have been a good husband, faither and provider of security for those about me.

      As for pewfodder, some people cannot accept my lapse fae the catholic faith. Pew can be both amusing and annoying, dependant upon mood. You would cringe at some comments received fae anonymous folk who like to remind me that I was once a filthy immigrant, a bog trotter, a fenian bastard, a provvie terrorist, an adulterer and a murderer". It would seem that the only crime I have yet to commit is flashing at oul ladies in the park. I was saving that for a wet Sunday.

      I do wish Map would stop commenting about me with the drink in him! He owes me... he has to pay.

      Delete
    2. Aye, that'd be right!

      Delete
  10. Almost like the old days. I'll be sure not to visit with my customary stuttering fluffiness, and I'll wear some godawful kneeguards when I come over for breakfast. In fact, if I want my shoes and trousers to fit I may just eat a burger down the way instead.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ahh, but did you notice how I cunningly disguised your identity throughout the piece and delicately steered the readers away from your new career as a writer by describing your rather fetching hair?

      The old days... what fun we had. I'm glad you no longer limp.

      Delete
  11. One way or another I think the bewigged one had his revenge - albeit unwittingly.
    I don't know why I have never developed a taste for veal - maybe brain-washed about litle calves in the sixties.
    I do wonder about your Christmas dinner and shall you be the chef?
    I'm green.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Dear lady, revenge can eat a man away fae the inside. It is best left alone. My personal revenge on many was to survive. Many did not. Enough said.

    As for your calves, I hear they are very shapely indeed and once set London afire with their perfect curves and exposure to the swinging 60s.

    As for my Christmas dinner, well now let us just say that I am looking at a very large gathering for lunch on the 25th and will be busy in the kitchen from today onwards with my daughters and my dear lady herself. Of course you wil be more than welcome to join us on the day, providing you are no out with the girls betting bevvied! Mince pie anyone?

    ReplyDelete
  13. It is the celebration of our saviour, a time of great joy. To be without sin will be the beginning of you as a new man. Repent and take your place in the world once more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Pew, it is a time of great food and hospitality to those who like to think freely without the aid of a religious crutch. I shall eat, drink and be merry, no doubt sinning once or twice along the way with alcohol. I shall resurface from the shower every morning before taking in the sunrise and thanking nature for such a beautiful earth. When the festivities are done I shall rise up with my golf clubs and take my place once more in the sun. Alcudia to be exact, where after a few weeks I really will be a new man.

    Merry Giftmas.... ho ho ho.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Anonymous5:46 pm GMT+5

    perhaps you may help me please. wiener schnitzel is a cutlet in a bone yes? is it the pork chop as the beef bone has chine yes? Sorry for help.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous2:57 am GMT+5

      For this bone i am thanks.

      Delete
  16. Anon - Wiener Schnitzel is veal, an Austrian dish, the cut is traditionally butterflied, so no bone...ever. A German schnitzel however can be made of pork, but again is usually taken from the top of the leg. No bones ever!

    To clarify, beef rib is a roasting dish, the bones should never be chined more than 1" from the base and is always best done by way of a hand meat saw. Always wash the 4-rib well before cooking as the spinal membrane (white and sticky) lays along the backbone and has been attributed to CJD. Better safe than sorry, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  17. A very Merry Christmas to you, the Missus and all the Chef family!
    Eat, drink, make merry and celebrate life! <3

    ~Blaze
    xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the very same to you doll-face...

      Delete
  18. Anyhow... Merry Christmas!!!
    Sxxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  19. Tonight my friend, I am wishing you, my taller twin, my Glesga brother, a peaceful (but rambunctious) Christmas. And to the ever suffering Siobhán, I wish patience and fortitude. A happy time to my 'extended' family, may they have long happy lives, love, and their Ma & Da about to see their grand-weans grow into strong happy people.

    It's nearly Christmas so I raise a glass to you all.

    Sláinte mhaith a chara agus Nollaig shona.

    ReplyDelete
  20. This night I extend my hand to a good friend, taller than I sometimes describe, but doubtless a giant amongst most men. The grand weans await the arrival of Santy on the morn, while we, sons, nephews, brothers and men of Glesca talk quietly about those who are no longer with us to raise a glass.

    Peace to you and yours my friend, may your own God go with you each.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Oíche mhaith a chara agus coladh sámh.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dea-sláinte a thabhairt duit agus mise mo chara.

      Delete
    2. Go raibh maith agat!

      It's late, just in from a good one, had a wee sip of something golden, raised a cheer for you, yours, and the Bhoys! :)

      Delete
    3. Ahh mo chara, charaid, gloine nó deich a tharraing an neet i do onóir. Tis mé féin díreach i ndiaidh tráthnóna maith leis an teaghlach agus cairde. Bliain sásta nua do mo theaghlach ar fud an uisce.

      Delete
  22. Happy Boxing Day sir!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Same to you pal. May the festive fitba now begin, tis away to the Selik I must go.

      Delete
  23. Just sticking my head in the kitchen to make sure you didn't eat so much you're stuck at the table.

    Hope your family had a happy gathering. Best wishes to you and the ones you love for the new year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Relaxing in the sun doll face, a wee bit behind due to lack of connection at this end. Happy new year to you and yours.

      Delete
  24. Fae ma wee hoose to yours .. A happy New Year to you and yours..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hands across the water big man, the oul town sang your name at the bells, of that you can be sure.

      Delete
  25. Duntocher Brian4:46 pm GMT+5

    HNY to you Jimmy. Tllcross it is then?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Is that you finally in? Did you find my shoe yet?

      Delete
    2. Duntocher Brian10:06 pm GMT+5

      Aye come an get it.

      Delete
  26. happy new year, sugarpie! we raised a glass to all y'all last night. *cheers* to friends and pals wherever they may be. xoxoxox

    (you missed my birthday party again!) ;~)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Kind of you doll face, I am keeping up with your travels, just a tad behind in my replies. You're looking grand fae this side though hen.

      Delete
    2. Wait a wee minute here!! I missed your birthday hen? My apologies, many happy returns Sav.

      Delete
  27. My calendar says it's your Birthday.

    Is my calendar right? :)

    Much happiness to you, no matter what day it may be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dearest sweet Hope, your calendar is incorrect on this occasion. I do appreciate the thought though. Much happiness right back at yis.

      Delete
  28. A good time for reflection Mr Chef. Happy new year.

    ReplyDelete
  29. And the same to you pew. A truce for the new year perhaps, eh?

    ReplyDelete
  30. Chef...Google+ made that declaration. Just so you know. ;)

    I didn't think Map would let me miss any such celebration.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Aye hen, but Google+ probably gets better with age. Me... I just get more grumpy!

      Delete
  31. Sure isn't every day a celebration in the company of me taller pal?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is no the majority of men who drink with you in the bar that one values the most, tis the one good man who drinks by your side in times thick and thin.

      Shrek had his wee donkey, meself, well.... I have the little Map fella.

      Delete
  32. Ara will ya whisht up!

    :¬)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hey Chef man I'm still catching up on your recipes and loving your humor. Way cool on all fronts. Maybe see you over at my crib when you are back from vacation?

    ReplyDelete

Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.