Sunday

A Terrible Beauty

For breakfast that morning we took our fresh dark roasted coffee to a more shady part of the lush green garden. The previous evenings entertainment had well and truly taken its toll inside of my head and I lay stretched fully upon the cool tiles that lined the slate pathway. Peace was upon me in my time of great suffering. And then they came. It was quite a daunting moment. The way in which they just appeared before us in our own garden was intimidating to say the very least. Their leader, a big ugly brute came at us without the slightest sign of fear. I registered the smallest of cries caught in the back of Siobhan's throat as they made a beeline for me as I lay prone and helpless beneath the Spanish sun. An old feeling deep down inside instinctively forced the adrenaline to prepare my body and mind for the imminent pain. I reached for the nearest weapon to hand, a pot of good black coffee splashed an expensive wave of liquid over the closest of the assailants. The effect was wasted, forcing the intruders back only long enough for me to scramble to my feet and take up an indignant stance. Again they came at us in waves, I withstood their advances as Siobhan scrambled to safety.

Romancing tales will have you believe that there is glory in battle, facing the enemy with the sound of military drums beating in rhythm with your own brave heart as you transform into a Hollywood hero while dramatic music fills your brain. In battle there is very little time for bravery. Survival becomes paramount at any cost. Deep in the moment I found myself strangely savouring the feelings of old as I thrashed wildly with my feet and hands. However, there was too many of them. My middle-aged body was being forced back due to the sheer number of the attackers. I began to feel that after all this time I had finally met my match. I looked helplessly around me, grateful at least that no one would see me being taken down by these relentless, fearless intruders as they grew ever more aggressive. And then through the stramash of it all she appeared. Like a beautiful goddess rising from a Celtic mist, she appeared. To hand she brought forth her magnificent weapon of which she took aim and blasted them with a force that devastated them entirely. She had no choice. It was them or me.

Our eyes met in such a way that was terrifying yet intimate at the same time. A man knows every look upon his partners face. Every expression is embedded into his memory for life, it is how men learn to read their wives ever changing moods. I saw regret in her eyes as I was accidentally caught in the line of fire, yet a determination to quell the furor made me proud as I saw the terrible beauty light her extraordinary violet eyes. For the first time in her life she had glimpsed into a world of vengeful fury. She had revelled in her moment of power. There could be no turning back for her now. Minutes later as I dried myself off with a large fluffy towel, I relished the fact that the battle was indeed won at the cost of so many at the feminine hands of so few. Her words rebounded off of my still slightly vodka fuddled mind as she rewound the hose to its original place on the large plastic reel. "Remind me to add ant powder to the list next time we visit the market please James."  "Aye hen, I will, that was a wee bit too close for comfort, eh?"

Chefs Surefire Hangover Cure

1 large spoon of honey
1/2lb red grapes
300ml Vodka
12ml fresh lemon
1/2 pint Irn Bru
Ice
(no ants)

Blend together on max speed. Strain out the debris. Pour into chilled glass. Drink steadily until pain in temples recedes. Nap gently in hammock until sun reaches the yard arm. Resume position with fresh alcoholic drink in hand. Repeat all of the above until you feel better or are too swallied to care. Enjoy.



37 comments:

  1. Vicious big buggers in Spain them ants. Met there match in a vicious big bugger from Glasgow by the sound of it though.

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    1. On this occasion Tony my wife was the "vicious big bugger fae Glasgow". However, you might want to lock your door the night now that she thinks you are questioning her weight. Due to her dexterity with the hose and her Belfast roots, I might even suggest a change of name and plastic surgery just to be sure.

      Good luck oul son.

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  2. I cringed at your foe, mostly because here in the South we have Fire Ants, which leave wounds too gross to explain. Let's just say some of us would have a horrible allergic reaction should more than one chomp on us.

    Thank heaven for the Mighty Superwoman S. who watches over you. :)

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    1. Ahh indeed hen, what would I do without the missus, eh? The ants, so I am told, were brought into the garden amongst tree bark shipped in fae Mexico. I have been researching the best solution to spread around amongst the chipped bark area, the locals swear by vinegar, peppermint oil, cinnamon, black pepper, cayenne pepper, whole cloves, and bay leaves. I think I might have some of those to hand for our next trip over in a few months.

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    2. GAH! I have spent the last 5 years trying to forget the dreaded Fire Ants of the genteel south!
      I ended up in the hospital because of them!
      (It was very late at night and I stepped right on a stupid hill. My feet and legs were covered in seconds! I passed out from their venom within an hour)

      Gasoline takes care of 'em!

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  3. Replies
    1. THOU SHALT NOT PRINT ANYMORE COMMENTS WRITTEN IN CAPITAL LETTERS EITHER.

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  4. Bloody hell are you sure about the amount of vodka your putting in it! @Pewfodder get a life you silly little man!

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    1. Tina, 300 ml is less than an average can of Coca Cola. It's important to de-hang yourself slowly after a night on the swally. If you are adverse to vodka then try chewing on a green apple and drinking still water for a few hours.

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  5. Almost ant-iclimactic, but you tell a terrific tale! Will bookmark this page for the hangover cure, as i am certain to need it some day soon!

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    1. Ahh c'mon doll-face, I'm pretty sure that you know as much about cures as masel. You just do it quietly and with much more dignity. Together we make a fine pair...

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  6. Damn ants. They can be singlemindedly vicious if they perceive your presence a threat. And regarding the fire ants of which Hope speaks, I have been a victim of their assault when down in Texas years ago... they are nasty little buggers! Their bites burn, and they tend to swarm up your legs and all bite at the same time, leaving painful wounds that become reddened and pustulant very quickly. No fun at all. Thankfully your lovely wife saved the day with the hose. ;-)

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    1. For the love of all things gorgeous, as I live and breathe, Pony-doll, I am honoured by your appearance the day. The little singing fella and masel was worried you had gone ice fishing and fallen down a Facebook hole. Glad to see you hen.

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  7. Such foolishness, such narrow minded people, so many closed minded people. Why do you insist that you are the only voice? Educate yourself and accept the truth.

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    1. Tell you what pew, if you can get one person to agree with you that I am everything you suggest, then I will gladly offer you an apology.

      One person is all it will take...

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  8. Ah, dear Chef, I am most honoured that you and the Map have missed me. I do wander around and visit blogs, but have been working more than not, so time isn't as free as I'd like. I've fallen down no holes, facebook or otherwise, and the ice is extra thick (76 cm this year) on the river this year, given the brutal cold we've endured. But spring is only a month or two off and hopefully I'll then be back in blogging form. Glad to be seen!

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    1. For the sake of the little singing fella and all his shortcomings (a little joke there) have a heart dear Pony-doll and return to us like the glamorous, rather tall, wise, older good looking sister that we both crave so much. If we must wait until the spring then so be it, but return you must.

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    2. A man of few words...

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    3. A man of many beers... the Skeff Bar in Eyre Square needs to re-stock today!

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    4. Ahh now, across to Galway was it? I wondered where you had got to.

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    5. A grand time is always to be had in the city of the tribes!

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    6. Did you no think of asking me along?

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    7. Next time pal, Mrs. Map likes me all to herself every now & then!

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    8. Aye, but when the three minutes is over the real fun can begin.

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    9. Three minutes? Back in my younger days maybe! :)

      Pint so.

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    10. Lead on, tis a terrible thirst that I have about me.

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  9. Well we can only hope those ants led fruitful and virtuous lives and that Buddha will re-incarnate them as puppies or lap cats... as for the hangover cures i have a few, one involves a special blend of herbs and spices, well mainly herbs, to be delicately smoked until one recedes back into slumber, the other involves the venerable Bloody Mary, her degree of spiciness dependent upon the state of the stomach and the fortitude of the barkeep, both seem to work wonders, sometimes i combine them both and all seems right with the world, of course that's just me...

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    1. Bloody Mary's are ideal if, like you say, your stomach can handle it after the swally, but do try this one if you are suffering with the shakes and need an instant settler. Keep a bucket handy just in case.

      200ml vodka
      200ml tomato juice
      1 lemon, juice of
      1/2 teaspoon Worcester sauce
      3 drops Tabasco sauce
      pinch of celery salt
      1/2 tablespoon prepared fiery horseradish

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  10. It's the way of we women-folk doll ....
    NOTHING messes with those we love!

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  11. Be careful. They're vengeful bastards. They'll get you and your family when your guard is down. Fresh dark roasted coffee + vodka fuddled mind = a vacation in paradise.

    I right/clicked "stramash" to get a definition and improve my vocabulary and was met with an amusing pop-up window that admonished me, "Good God! How dare you try to steal the cutlery." Is that your doing?

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    1. UB, it's the wee beasties who need to exercise caution when it comes to Siobhan. See comments above for the solution to the infestation, I have already relayed instructions to my niece who is there looking after the place while we are at home.

      Vacation paradise is no far fae the truth, if you google Alcudia, hillside villas, it will give you some idea of the new property. Money well spent for sure.

      Stramash, a very Scottish word that suited the description quite nicely. Good to see that you didn't steal any cutlery, a rather nice little html code that records any naughtiness.

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  12. I guessed it was bees but I suppose ants can be antisocial too.
    I'm ready to join Mrs Chef's army any day of the week.

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    1. Pat, Siobhan says that you are more than welcome to join her wee group any time you like. Bring those big worky boots too, eh?

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  13. Ta teeb hea vorst nõu inimestele, kes tahaks tulla Šotimaa peakokk?

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    1. I'm thinking Russian here, but only because I translated it (all be it rather badly). Yes, the little singing fella really can sing. Just don't tell him I said so.

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.