Wednesday

Lambs To The Slaughter

For breakfast this morning we sat down to poached eggs and bacon on wheat toast served with black tea laced with something old and gold. Joining us at the table was the local priest. Worry yourselves not, tis no the religious fervour that has come about me since my return. No, it is more a condition of which I had to agree to on the purchase of my property that I must maintain the attached graveyard for those relatives wishing to visit their loved ones. Considering that the last poor sowl was laid to rest here in 1703, I haven't been too troubled by those overburdened with flowers. For those of you who are likely to tiptoe around the subject of churchyards, think for a moment about how I felt when we first looked at the ancient headstones and discovered my own full name on four of the markers. I stopped eating takeaway food for nearly a fortnight with the shock of it all.

Now, I am a busy man, so nipping out twice a week with the oul Flymo to keep the grass from licking the edges of poor missus O'Hoolihan's monolith was never gonnae happen. The little singing fella is always too busy entertaining the living down at the bingo hall to assist me in my quest, while my own brood are too busy keeping me in early retirement by laying bricks and building things because I no longer have the desire to do so. There was only one surefire solution open to me. Sheep! Now sheep are stupid animals, they have a brain the size of an Englishman's penis and tend to shuffle about leaving their droppings where people have to tread. I have good solid wooden floors, sheep shite and wood floors do not good bed-fellows make.

I currently have hens, geese, goats and the odd bedraggled llama to keep the place looking aesthetically pleasing to the untrained eye. Of course you lot are more than aware that I am a city boy at heart and I bought the animals only to justify the Range Rover parked in the driveway. The only animal ever to occupy space in that by the way is a wee ass who lives across in Limerick. Even then we put down newspaper on the upholstery. So the whole idea of purchasing a flock of baa-baa's just to munch the grass was the original plan of attack, they ticked all the right boxes and kept the man of god fae my door for twelve months of the year.

I wasn't surprised when he offered to 'lend' me his own small flock to graze freely in the field enclosure as this would kill two birds with one stone. With hindsight a man of the cloth could have used a better phrase, surely? So much for thou shalt not murder a living thing, eh? So, with the deal done the oul fella drops by once a year for his breakfast, a bottle or two of my private stock and a quick swatch over the wall at the condition of the grass. He doesn't preach to me about his boss, I don't necessarily point out that a couple of his flock disjoint themselves and end up laying in my freezer. After all, is it not said that god helps those who help themselves?

Roast Lamb with Parsnip Mash

1 rack of fresh lamb (about 8 chops)
4-5 parsnips (depending on their size)
8 medium potatoes
Fresh horseradish
Scottish Butter
Milk
Salt and pepper to taste

Pre-heat oven to get things started, then heat up a bit of oil in a heavy pot or frying pan. Brown the rack of lamb for a minute or two on all sides, but for the love of all things tasty do not brown the ends. Transfer to an oven-proof dish and cook for around 20 minutes. Vary the cooking time depending on your personal choice of pink or brown meat, but your thermometer should read 120 when it’s done. Unfortunately the auld wooden barometer that hangs in your hallway will not be sufficient for this dish. (Little singing fella please take note) Next step, de-glaze the pan the lamb was browned in by pouring in a bit of the jus, and then returning this mixture to the pot where the jus is simmering. Remove it from the oven and let sit for 10 minutes while you ponder the outcome of your accompaniment of traditional Celtic mash. I would suggest at least three fingers of single malt and a browse of the newspaper while you mentally prepare yourself for the delights of tonight's dinner idea.

Boil a medium-sized saucepan full of water, peel and roughly slice up the parsnips and the potatoes to prepare for boiling. The snips will take slightly longer to boil than the tatties will, so either place them in the boiling water a few minutes before you put the potatoes in, or cut up the snips into smaller pieces than the spuds. Boil for 10-15 minutes or until the largest pieces are tender enough to stick a fork in. Drain the parsnips and potatoes and transfer to a large glass bowl for mashing. Make as you would normal mash, although with a bit less milk since the parsnips tend to take on more water. Peel some of the skin off the fresh horseradish, and using the fine side of the grater, grate about a tablespoon of horseradish into the mash. You might want more than this, or you might find yourself incapable of achieving the one tablespoon because of the agony to your eyes. Stir thoroughly, add salt and pepper to taste before turning out onto a large rectangular dining plate along with fresh minted peas.

39 comments:

  1. My condo is located within a collective of homes, mostly occupied by the elderly. Although i didn't plan it, the weakened hearing of my closest neighbors has been fortunate on many occasions. Just outside the gates, we have a cemetery... When the workers are digging fresh holes, i refer to it as "Getting new neighbors".

    Suppose i could make friends with the groundskeepers by introducing a few sheep.

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    1. You can never have to much lamb in your freezer doll, but then again, it's no as if your neighbours are gonnae just pop round for dinner any time soon eh?

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  2. You're burning a lot of animals these days my friend, very 'Old Testament'!

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    1. Better animals than bridges oul son, plus it beats loading them back into the ark everytime it starts to rain. Those camels can be difficult, especially when they get the hump.

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    2. Aye, those bridges can be hard to replace.

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    3. Aye, especially when you are up to your danglers in water and the concrete refuses to go off.

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  3. That old gas bag Pew is going to be none too pleased with this post. Just watch what happens when you poke a mindless bear with a sharp stick. Just watch! I take it you didn't discuss the retirement of He With the Pointy Hat and Frilly Frocks down in yonder Vatican?

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    1. The little Pope fella has come over to the dark side UB, he emailed me last week to say he is tired of the whole catholicism bit and do I fancy a few days on the swally. Poor oul Pew will be sore when his redundancy notice drops on the door mat, but he'll be ok when I take him on as a gardener alongside the sheepies.

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  4. Lol Chef, entertaining preamble, watch your back with the religious mob now. I gotta ask you though, when you call service with your mash what sort of arrangement do you make for serving it up?

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    1. To be honest Tony, I used to serve up the mash in individual copper saucepans, table size of course, but of late that can be a bit on the oul twee side. I've gone over to green oak serving dishes, still individual per person, but excellent for keeping the mash warm, moist and buttery.

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  5. "Joining us at the table was the local priest... we removed him from the boot of the car bound and gagged and then duct taped him to his chair..." oh wait i think i let my imagination run away for a second but this one sounds quite pleasant, lends his sheep, doesn't preach, has wee dram, sounds like a decent human being to me, cept for the religion part...

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  6. These days I have more patience with those who kneel to escape from thinking. I am amused as well at those people who would once have crossed the road to avoid me, but now invite themselves to my table. With age comes wisdom. With wisdom age far outweighs the negativity of rage.

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  7. I'm still here...glad you're still You. ;)

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    1. Aye hen, I'm still me. Good job really because I would have a job getting other folks clothes to fit me.

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  8. Everything comes with a price.
    Yours however, doesn't sound so bad. I like sheep.
    Cooked on a grill and doused in lemon butter with fresh oregano. :)
    I looked at a house next to a cemetery. It needed some work, but it was large enough for all of us and the 'bones' were good.
    My ex, being far more religious than this recovering Catholic, refused to even look at it.

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    1. Everything does come with a price, but thankfully those women exist otherwise wee pew would indeed be lonely of a night, eh?

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  9. Sheep or trees, your ignorance is is blatantly obvious for everyone to see. But does keeping sheep or planting trees help bring people to Christ? It's like going to third-world countries to feed the hungry. It doesn't do a starving man any good to keep him alive for another day if he's doomed to hell anyway. It doesn't do anyone any good to plant trees for people if they haven't heard about Jesus. The future of this earth is destruction....You don't "Bring people to Christ" with inanimate objects. He is knowable, but unless that tree becomes paper, and eventually a Bible, it will have no value in expressing how to know The Creator who made the tree.

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    1. Wait a wee minute here, why the sudden tirade involving trees? I was going to extend an olive branch to you, but I guess now that it would only make things worse. The trouble with having religious bloggers visit here is they are very similar to trees. They fall down after being hit several times with an axe.

      If only your faither hadn't said, "Son, never open the cellar door!"

      But you couldn't resist eh? You opened it and saw things you'd never seen before: grass, sky, trees...

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  10. What an odious creature you actually are. Not content with maligning our Saviour you then show contempt by threatening behaviour towards me. Is there and end to your wickedness? You twist and bend my words to suit your own purpose. You must mistrust those people around you so much that your hatred of mankind is brought to the surface with an ever evolving clarity. I have no doubt that you will be too afraid to print my words. That is what cowards always do. They deny.

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  11. Interesting, since I'm pretty sure God created trees to ensure we had oxygen.

    Dear Pew: The best way to turn a person away from God is to pounded them over the head with your own version of religion. Repeatedly. God and I get along just fine, as do the Chef and I. Perhaps it was because I was taught that God gave us a brain and freewill to utilize it, along with the knowledge that choices have consequences. It is my choice to now get off a soapbox that has no place amongst the aromas of the kitchen.

    Chef, pass over that bag of potatoes and I'll start peeling.

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    1. Och hen, no. Peeling is for the childer, you on the other hand shall perch yourself upon a stool and taste the elixir of my freshly made broth. I have a feeling it may need a scoosh of Worcester sauce just to bring the scallions to the forefront. What say you?

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  12. Evolving clarity? Surely evolution is something that you continue to deny? As to me being odious, I was that shocked and perturbed by such a hurtful remark that I nearly lost concentration trimming my nasal hair while stirring the pot of fresh soup I am currently making for the little singing fella.

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  13. Holy cow! I was going to watch a movie but the war between good and just plain dumb is far more entertaining than Avatar ever was.

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    1. An actual holy cow? I should imagine the confessional was a bit of a mess after the visit.

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  14. When all the crowds who had come together for this spectacle saw what had taken place, they beat their chests and left.

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    1. When the seagulls follow the trawler...

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  15. I'd be honored to assist. :)

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    1. ...and I would be proud to have you.

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  16. Can you sink any lower than you already portray yourself to be?

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    1. I suppose if I was kneeling next to you...

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  17. Hello?? Down here? Soup?

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    1. Aye, there's soup, but you'll have to queue with the other layabouts around the corner at the Sally Ann.

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  18. Ah fer fecksake! I just saw the teeth! Is there any need now I ask ya? Amn't I afflicted enough without ya makin' me molars yellower than they are? Bastid!

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    1. On reflection, what with the hump, the wan eye and a pickled onion, the limp, stutter and of course the sticky-out ears, I'll cut yis a break on the choppers. Did yis buy them teeth fae the undertakers by the way? Some poor auld woman away to meet her maker without her tegs is no gonnae sit well with St. Peter I fear. Have yis no shame the noo as you swan around the toon with someone else's plates in your heid?

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  19. Now if only me wee arms could reach the bar to pay....

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.