Thursday

Global Wardrobe Malfunctions



It's all seemingly gone a bit mad at the moment. Angry business suits abound, corduroy clad, torn cardigans and placard waving hotheads are roaming the western world looking to decapitate clandestine statues and loudly liberate the garish historical symbolism from its concrete shackle. Thanks to satellite broadcasting and the subsequent projectile vomiting of the Internet, every man and his dog now appear to have become one of those rather poorly dressed Muslim martyrs, burning flags, reclaiming parliamentary procedure and recycling old shopping carts to make into hideous objet d'art for general sale on eBay. For the love of your very own imaginary Ghod, just when we thought that the world was dying on its rather prominent behind and couldn't possibly get any worse, conversing in text speak, evolving blasphemous acronyms involving incomprehensible Fibonacci sequences, and overuse of that dreadful complex youth word of today, "whatever". I open my newspaper this morning, only to find, the extremely insolent puppies who hunker over nuclear buttons and drink ersatz coffee from waxen cups, have gone and outlawed the use of  the humble necktie within our own Scottish parliament, Let me tell you, this rather annoying Gothic angularity has got to stop. It is playing havoc with my poker mornings over at Sammy the barbers on a Wednesday. However, what really gets my goat is the devilishly clever fiends who travel up from the nations capital, currently on their 3rd Aston Martin Vanquish, who entice the so-called downtrodden untermensch to throw stones at police horses, spray paint glass windows and generally cause mayhem and uproar in the name of political ambition.

I blame everything on the decline in standards in regard to our wardrobes. Everything in the world was just peachy until some awful, scruffy little troll (no doubt from the worlds anus - Belgium) decreed that a gentleman must no longer tuck in his good button-down collar shirts. Instead, as the new doctrine now dictates, all shirts are to flap languidly at the waist, square-jawed chins will remain unshaven, whilst expensive brown leather brogues, a true gentleman's uniform of distinction, will no longer be tolerated in favour of sports footwear, complete with untied and trailing laces. Where are standards I ask myself? A gentleman does not stop momentarily to pick his good lady a bouquet of fresh flora wearing Adidas tracksuits and Ubbly Bubbly designer plimsolls. One cannot possibly comprehend enjoying the delights of Cosi fan tutte, Soave sia il vento in particular, whilst reclining in a slouched position, adorned carelessly in a Slazenger pullover. As for this modernistic, if somewhat hedonistic approach to drinking an alcoholic beverage from a bottle whilst NOT at an outdoor barbecue event,  I just won't do it I tell you.

No recipes today, the kitchen is temporarily closed for its pre-Christmas makeover. Instead, help yourselves to a nice spot of tea and a smashingly sticky bun.

44 comments:

  1. I'm fairly gentlemanly in most of my pursuits, but I have to cop to being a slacker in clothing department. Shorts and sandals in the heat, blue jeans and boots when it's cold. Untucked Oxford over tucked t-shirt for either ensemble. Hedonistic? Maybe...I prefer to call it comfortable.

    I am, however, fastidious about my glassware when it comes to enjoying my alcoholic beverages. I'm not a barbarian.

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    1. Mr Earl, this is all very commendable, however I do not see you as the type to whip a crowd into a frenzy with anti establishment placard, dayglo tank top, ripped jeans and a flare gun. Any man who can cultivate such memorable moments with bacon and bourbon as your good self, MUST never be confused as a fashion philistine.

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  2. Talk about the big ugly pot calling the rather petite kettle black. Admittedly you are a grand sight when you are all gussied up and stuff. Joggy bottoms, trainers, shorts, several hundred t shirts too if I remember rightly enough. I cvan only assume that you are taking the rise out of yoursellf with this one. Either that or the old timers disease has really beugn to rot your brains. Dont get me started on the not drinking out of a bottle line either. Has it slipped your mind the time you drank how many pints of cider out of a goldfish bowl?

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    1. I believe sir, you have me confused with someone else. As for cider and I, never the twain shall meet. As for brain rot, I have seen no effects to prove that I am not lucid and still fully compos mmm mmm mmm mentis...

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  3. The final war will begin in 2017. The antichrist will stand in the Jewish Temple of Jerusalem and declare that he is God. The Bible calls this the 'abomination of desolation'. Shortly after this the Arab nations will unite against Israel. Egypt will lead Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, and Jordan - every nation with a border with Israel - against it. Russia and its allies will join on the side of the Arabs. During the fight the US and Russia will use nuclear weapons against each other. The war will leave 2 billion dead.

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    1. Uh-huh, uh-huh, how very interesting, but let me stop you there. I've already seen this one, Bruce Willis and Arnie wasn't it?

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    2. If that's true then I'm going to have a hell of a romp running up my credit card bill.

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  4. Dress for Success edged out by Dress for Unrest

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  5. Indeed dear lady, standards are dropping faster than a lady's undergarments on a Romanian street corner. Long gone are my father's generation when even ditch diggers wore a collar and tie. Instead we have rogue brigades of insipid bleary eyed bedroom warriors, of which 'talk the talk', but that is where it ends. Only this morning I had a young gentleman before me in search of full time employment. He had neither washed, shaved or dressed suitably for his surroundings, his attitude was one of 'just couldn't be bothered'. I threw him out when he kept sending text messages on his phone. An hour later I also threw his father out when he came to complain. Low standards... the both of them.

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  6. Local history, and local historians have well documented the fact that my Da, James Stewart, was the best dressed man on the Island Field, if not in the whole of the county of Limerick. He passed on that tradition to all his kin. I never step out the door without hearing his voice.

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    1. The Stewart name in Scotland is steeped in heroic Jacobite glory throughout the land. Unlike the Campbells of course, town clocks and turncoats everyone one of them so. Scruffy too, unpolished buckles upon pigskin shoes, woven hessian for underwear, blatherers all. Tis a dapper man you are sir, not many heads will disagree with my words. Tis a glass we raise, to the memory of your Da, a fine figure of a man, so he was. Charge your glass, to Mr James Stewart himself!

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    2. To James Stewart, Da.

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    3. Tis the Friday, away and fetch your coat.

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  7. Although quick solutions to complex problems are satisfying, they are rare. Waving a sign, blocking a street, posing for the internet, staging events - without long-term commitment - do not bring lasting changes. It's tedious, and A LOT OF FECKIN' WORK, but the technique to infiltrate, engage, and drive change usually requires more effort.... and a suit.

    It was my plan to gracefully step down from the community advocacy board i've served for the past two years. Instead? i'll be the next president it seems...

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    1. Quick solutions often lead to a lengthy aftermath. Long term commitment brings long term financial recompense to those who take the risks, not as these turbulent bully boys in suits would have us think. Take a risk or make a risk? That is the scintillating equation that often keeps us up at night.

      President huh? I'd like nothing better than to see you in a position of great height. I was maybe thinking along the lines of reverse cowgirl. I'd support you all the way.

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    2. i promise to wear my 'smart girl' glasses, and most highly tailored business suit before the ride...

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    3. ... I may just hold you to that.

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  8. I've seen films and photos of people who are dressed to the nines while attending a Broadway show. You should see this lot now. They look like they've just finished paving a road. They used to dress for a flight, too.

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    1. Old school values are now sadly as dead as Charlie Chaplins slapstick routine. Pride in appearance is a dying trend, along with good manners, morals and education. So much easier for the new generations to dress down and encourage vulgarity on stage to amuse themselves between cocaine binges. Pride in ones home used to be clean windows, a shiny step and a neat patch of garden. 2013 has proven that pride now stops at a 60" flatscreen, Xbox and a chunky collar for your flesh eating penis extension, some call a dog.

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  9. May I be the first one to disagree here, Chef? Folk wisdom says clothes don’t make the man. and you can put lipstick on a pig, but it will still be a pig. (None of the present should take offence!).

    There’s etiquette for all occasions.Nevertheless, I don't think hoodies and baggy pants would suit you. ;)

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    1. Disagree? DISAGREE... with me? Of course you may.

      In actual fact, my dear Leni, the wisest of wise have long since realised that true wisdom dictates that a man with the correct etiquette for all occasions, can maketh the clothes. It's all in the shoulders you see?

      I do wear baggy joggy bottoms and hoodies on occasion dear lady, especially when occasionally mixing cement or pottering about the house. Decorum dictates however, that my rather firm posterior does not poke its moon face over the elasticated waist in public whenever I bend down. Good breeding, you see?

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    2. Dear sir, I hope you may excuse this granddaughter of mine. She's very spontaneous and nice, but also a bit cheeky. The truth is you would look good even in a broken mirror. ;)

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    3. I've broken a few in my time my dear woman. As for cheek? Merely an infusion of youth and high spirits. Nothing a mild spanking will not cure.

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  10. "For, behold, I will send serpents, cockatrices among you, which will not be charmed, and they shall bite you, saith the Lord."

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  11. Ah now Mr Pew, I seriously doubt if you even have an inkling as to exactly what a true cockatrice actually is. Nice try though.

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  12. I was going to make a comment about how I have long resented the obligatory use of ties, but it's half past three and juxtaposed to the right of this comment box, in a most distracting semi-deshabille pose, is Leni, wearing something that seems to call out, cry for, demand, the slip of a finger beneath [That's enough--Ed.]

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    1. I'm all for free speech and the ugly hullabaloo that stems from it, which is exactly what I told the eejit who disagreed most vociferously with me over a trivial fitba matter on Wednesday night. Which reminds me, I must visit him with a big bunch of grapes for when he finally comes out of the coma.

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  13. "Rather firm posterior" eh?! I am sure your firm bottom looks good in whatever it's wearing. ;-)

    Driving home from work yesterday, mid evening, with temps hovering around the -25C mark, I stopped at a crosswalk to let a young man cross. A rather slender young man, obviously not yet full fleshed out in maturity, wearing those 'baggy joggy bottoms' with the elastic snugged at the lower curve of his scrawny posterior. He had dark red hightops on his feet, a matching red winter jacket (with the hood up and pulled forward to keep his anonymity intact) with the bottom edge of it not quite meeting the top edge of said saggy bottoms. The occasional peek of printed boxers flashed those of us waiting for him to cross. Now, I am sure he would never be trying to force social change and if he did, his pants would fall to his ankles and trip him up.

    I do love sticky buns and yours just invite gentle squeezing and delicious licking. ;-)

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    1. Nature blessed me with the buttocks of a gymnast I am very pleased to reveal. And I am not talking about Olga Korbut either. Your young man, of which you eyed so carefully, do not deny it, was in fact making a social statement in regard to fitting in with the other members of the generation of ne'er do wells. Far better to be a shepherd than a sheep is what I always say. Lead, never follow. Which I believe, behind your rather sexual hidden meaning (of which I am deeply shocked) is what you were hinting at.

      Please feel free to lick my buns, they are there for your enjoyment, and I may well add a squirt of cream to round of perfectly your wonderful lust for munching.

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  14. Beware, Looby: Big Sister is watching you! ;)

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    1. So is my spyware.... I see more than you may think. You didn't really believe that the webcam on your system was one way?

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  15. Put your fingers back in your pocket, Looby. That's only my summer attire, not a negligée.

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  16. Off topic, apologies for that and also apologies for this next bit. This time last year i was near enough on my arse jobwise and otherwise. Christmas was cancelled due to funds and low esteem on my part. This year mainly thanks to you helping me out things are looking good. Cheers for that JB. I'm looking forward to a good new year. Best wishes to your lovely lady too.

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    1. I have to admit, I squirmed slightly in deliberation at your unnecessary praise Anthony. A hand out and a hand up are entirely different things. Confidence and guidance was all that you really required. Now get back in the kitchen and make us both a small fortune. Leave the worrying to me, your attention is required elsewhere.

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    2. Yer a good man our Jimmy.

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    3. Och, away. Tis the company I keep... nothing more, eh?

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  17. Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.

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    1. His copy & paste skills are exemplary.

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    2. You should see what he can do with glue, a used toilet roll and a handful of glitter. No wonder the Catholic church love him.

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  18. I had a smart, witty comment in my head.
    Then I read Hope's ....
    Now all I can think about is the need (want) to find those round, warm, sumptuous sticky buns and sink my teeth into them!

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  19. My buns do attract quite a lot of attention from the ladies, they often ask me how much I knead them.

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  20. Okay, color me confused cause I haven't commented yet. :)

    I think the death of the well dressed man (my Dad was one of those too) came about when U.S. politicians began wearing ties to indicate the party they represented...as the people they're suppose to represent are never in their thoughts.

    Rather than let Mr. Golden Rule (insert eye roll) ruin my appetite, I think making cinnamon monkey bread is sounding like a good idea for tomorrow morning. Nothing like the smell of baking to make this damp, chilly weather disappear and bring out the happy.

    Of course you bring out the happy too (watch it Wee Man!) but your kitchen is too far away. ;)

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  21. Cinnamon monkey bread.... now that's a recipe that is well dressed in itself.

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  22. Well said! I really do draw the line at chaps appearing on the box - tieless - in my drawing room on a Sunday!
    If they want to look sexy they should follow the example of the gorgeous man at the top of the page.

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.