Sunday

Fish Riding Bicycles



News of my death have been grossly exaggerated it would seem. Stories of languid Belgian walking holidays involving poached egg poisoning and even hospitalisation due to an alcoholic dependency big enough to bring down a camel are abound. All stuff and nonsense, nihilistic hogwash of seemingly cotard delusion, brandished around like cheap supermarket butter on other social media sites of stale bread. Monochromatic reports that I have recently been sighted rowing merrily in an organic cardboard coracle somewhere east of Kilimanjaro amused me muchly, especially as even the haters are aware just how much salt water plays terrible havoc with my sinus. Perhaps the most bizarre story of all was the supposed botched assassination attempt on my life by the Chechen farmyard animals in cheap business suits that tend to frequent the less salubrious parts of the city of Glasgow. Honestly, who would have thought that polyester and gun oil would ever make such a huge comeback amongst the great unwashed? Most of it is simply not true. In reality, I have been kept busy engaged in the frenetic toil of filling endless sandbags for the increasingly beautiful Patricia against the ever rising river that borders her stately home down there in Swanage. Outside toilet facilities, wandering hands and lukewarm tea in ceramic mugs have hindered my progress somewhat.

At times, as Pat and I gazed across the immense social divide towards the poorer part of town, it felt as though the ghost of  our dear friend Scarlet had again arisen to haunt me for my impure thoughts in her direction. Obviously in her pre-ginger years and before she moved to her new static caravan home in Parkdeane Sands in the council quarter of Cornwall of course. That much goes without saying. The ebb and flow of her flat-spotted Dunlop's as the water lapped so rhythmically against the septic tank kept both Patricia and myself amused long into the evening as we sipped a decent port up there in the safety of the front balcony overlooking the drenched hyacinths and humble climbing roses. Who can ever forget the hangdog look about her deliciously saline eyes as she thumbed through page after page of home truths and poured her heart out to me about her previous acting career. All water gushing harmlessly over the beleaguered bridge as far as so many incredulous scandals are concerned. Oh how she once lived. The rumours of Errol Flynn did not once disappoint.

However, reality forces me to speak the truth, so in all honesty the above, well some of it, is a fish riding a bicycle lie. I have merely returned for a brief period of utter tranquillity to the more sunnier climes of our distinctly quiet hacienda in the sun. Apart from the odd furry caterpillar, sun drenched lizard and mysteriously convex frying pans that awaited me, time had stood still, as have I. Pure bliss. I shall return as soon as I tire of being at peace with the world. Do help yourself to a wee nibble, I may be some time.

25 comments:

  1. Please capture an extra ration of sunshine and warmth for me, good sir! We are freezing our collective 'nads off here in the midwestern U.S. i look forward to your return, but please don't hurry on my part... i'll just have to resort to the more conventional logs to fuel my fire...

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  2. Tek all the time ya need pal, enjoy the sun, feck the begrudgers, stay close to the ever gorgeous Siobhan, drink wisely and with joy, eat heartily and sing merrily. I love you dearly (tee hee) my very good friend. Any chance I can have my white Speedo back?

    Pint?

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  3. That new banner is great! That might be my favorite one yet.

    I never once thought you were six feet under. You go away once in a while. I do, too, but for shorter periods than you. You've got to!

    You should post photos from your bliss.

    @ Daisy: Baby, you make me laugh every time. 100% comment satisfaction.

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    1. @exile - i like the new header, but i miss Grandpa. He was damn sexy. (now THERE'S a sentence i never thought i'd type...)

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  4. I was ionformed you were in North Korea cooking for the Dear Young Leaders family, or at least those he has not thrown to the dogs yet. I hope the sandbags work!

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  5. Ha!!! It may be a static caravan, but it has a glorious floor! And double glazing. And plumbing.
    I have have my internet cable and I have posted.
    Sx

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  6. Not unlike Arthurian legend then....I'll await the return from Avalon.

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  7. I just figured you were in the kitchen baking birthday cakes for Savannah and myself. :)

    Enjoy being a man of leisure...looks good on you.

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  8. Soak up all that delicious sunshine darl!
    I'll try not to curse you as I head out in our current windstorm to throw snow off the drive for the umpteenth time this weekend. :D

    See you when I see you .....

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  9. Hold on a minute until I call back the search party! They've already covered quite a bit of territory in their search for you, but as you've returned to the fold, their services are no longer required....for now, anyway.

    I do expect to see you back in blogger field very soon, Chef, however...because do you really think you'll be at peace with the world...and if so, would you ever tire of it? I sure wouldn't tire of being at peace with it!

    I wish I could be be at peace with the world, but there are so many stupid humans running around that make it an impossible feat to achieve..as far as I see it, anyhow...unfortunately.

    But, fortunately, on the other hand, I can still see my feet!

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  10. Is that why you missed my birthday party, sugar? I swear, but I've been saving a piece of cake for y'all since new year's Eve! ;) xoxoxox

    (I'm in total agreement with Brother Exile about your new banner! it's gorgeous!)

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  11. I'm with Daisy about freezing nads... this morning it is -38C here in Central Canadia. Never mind freezing your nads off; everything else will be frozen too.

    Those warmer climes sound delicious, Chef, and I do think I will be helping myself to some of that. We (Maart and myself) have a week in Mexico planned for the first week of March. I'm wishing it was now. We'll be staying at a place called Isla Mujeres (I believe it means island of women), which is a spit of sand off the coast of Cancun that is covered in hotels, restaurants and beaches. I'll need to remember my sunscreen. This Viking hide hasn't been exposed to the sun in months...

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  12. Well I was certainly drinking port with some chap the other night. Was it not you? And the woman couldn't have been Scarlet because she was tall with long greyish hair.
    I'm never sure if you are talking about Scarlet or moi but I assure you I would not have touched old Flynn with the tip of a gondolier's barge pole.

    By the way the outside loo is for the gardener and any handy men.
    Give my love to Nerja.

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  13. Enjoy the sun of the southern latitudes, dear friend. I wondered where were you -but never thought about egg poisoning in Belgium-.

    So you see you have been missed, but knowing that you're happy, we will all wait for you until you decided you've had enough sun. ;)

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  14. I thought I had commented on this post...I did recall the search party I'd sent out to look for you, Chef...perhaps I need to send them out again to look for my lost comment! Hmmmm....maybe it's still hanging around out there in cyber space somewhere....either way...good to have you back in one piece....rather than a bikini! ;)

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  15. Hope you enjoy the hacienda in the sun. I never realised you had a place in Troon.

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  16. Did I comment here but you haven't processed it yet? I don't remember... apparently that's what happens as you get older. You start to forget things. But no matter. The important thing is that you are warming up in the sun with your beautiful wife at your side. We'll still be perched on the kitchen stools when you get back.

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  17. Dear sir, the food was excellent, as usual. But we're hungry again. ;)

    Have a hell of a good time!

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  18. So you are alive - I need fret no longer.

    I had suspected recent unfortunate events involving some mutton lovers from the far North East had turned your head, or, perchance, you had died laughing at those frolicsome Teddy Bears from the South West.

    Enjoy the warmer, sunnier climes, I await your return and your welcome, sage advices with the usual combination of trepidation and excitement.

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  19. That's enough of the wine and roses. I thought of you when my grandson (6' 4")visited.
    Jolly useful for changing light bulbs. Are you taller?
    Take care.

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    1. 6' 7 my dear lady, the tallest of my siblings by at least 3".

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  20. Another Friday Jimmy. Hope that hole in yer arse is healing well.;-)

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    1. I'm healed and upright son, not a man alive who can expect otherwise. Been catching up with a few old acquaintances who dropped in unexpectedly a while back.

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Thank you, the chef is currently preparing an answer for you in the kitchen. Do help yourself to more bread.